dreams, crushed. and then reborn.

On February 27th, 2011, my spirit had broken down. And this was about, of course, the seemingly unceasing topic of college admissions. Earlier in the school year, I had gotten rejected from what I believed to be the college of my dreams. A top-tiered ivy with all the right buildings, classes, enthusiasm, traditions, and people. With its high Early Decision acceptance rate, I had lost all hopes of attending an institution other than my state college. (Not that there's anything wrong with my state school itself; I'd just rather be given the chance to start over.) At that point, I had written about my bleak outlook on college admissions in general, the regrets I had, and my ultimate fear of simply "settling." I'm sure that this is a fear that many students in high school will go through - and even seniors in college who are applying to graduate schools. However, reflecting upon it is so different from the reality of it.

First of all, I look back at my anxiety in late Winter and I feel bad for myself. But, I feel worse for the thousands and millions of kids who will have to go through this process. I feel even more terrible for all the people whose anxiety is perpetuated and intensified by sites like CollegeConfidential. I admit, I had been an addict. However, reflecting on the pros and cons of the site has made me realize that it helped much more when I was choosing a school to attend rather than when I was anxiously putting together my applications and waiting for results. So, to all the kids who are posting their personal information and asking for "Chances" - I did not do so, but did read numerous threads - I suggest you take a step back and just believe in yourself. Strangers' comments won't help the result of your admission decision or relieve your nerves. In fact, sometimes what people say may be completely off base because the truth is, they don't know you. They don't know how well your essays were written or how nicely your application as a whole will resound with the admission officer reading it, and they certainly don't know what your future will look like. The only thing they see is numbers. And you yourself can judge your own GPA, SATs, SAT IIs, Class rank, etc. 

I have to offer a disclaimer though, because I am a little biased. I ended up being accepted to numerous elite colleges, including two of the four top 5 colleges in the nation that I applied to and a various number of other schools. I am, undoubtedly, incredibly blessed. So to me, things worked out. I will be attending an institution in the fall that I have never even dared dreamed about attending - and only applied to because my father suggested it. However, when I do look back on my achievements, my passions, and my personality, I have no doubt that I deserve to go there. I also believe, though, that thousands of kids who were waitlisted or rejected deserve to go as well. Life is about chance though. When you've put in enough work, in the end, it's about luck. I am a very lucky girl who hasn't been so happy in quite a while.

Even if you aren't accepted, at the end, to a school that you particularly want to go to, I don't think anyone should despair. Although I believe that much learning occurs with social interactions with peers, so much also depends on yourself. I have a friend at a state school who isn't elated that she's there - but she said that it helped her to get her work ethic together and exceed even her own expectations on how well she could have done in college. Her change in character has contributed to her life in an important way, a way that may not have occurred should she have gone to another school. There's a road for everyone; as long as you work for it, you'll deserve it.

So one last message: never feel like you don't deserve something, when you know you do.

Coming up: classmate responses and my reaction