you see what you want to see

Sorry guys, this post isn't on graduation, but rather another topic: preconceived illusions.

I'm usually a pretty modest girl who is occasionally shy as well. All my teachers, classmates, and employers have always said I was a respectful, unpretentious, and unpresuming person. However, now whenever someone asks me where I'm going to school - or will be heading off to school, I'm met with biased judgments.

I awkwardly respond with a "Um..." followed by the name of my Ivy League institution and I receive one of the two responses:

1. Amazement - general belief that I am highly intelligent and ambitious, which isn't so bad until the following occurs...

2. A "joke" about the pretentious way which I said the name of my college, which, I assure you, I did not. Or a "Ooh you're one of those kids."

There is a preconceived notion that I am some pretentious, all-knowing, patronizing person, when in fact, I AM NOT. I have a lot of faults, but being rude through pretentiousness is not one of them.

So yes, people often see what they only want to see. Maybe that's why I was told that students in my school started just responding with the state of their college rather than the name.

I do miss the days when I could say the name of my public school and people would instead respond, well, normally rather than feign interest because of my future elite education. 

the hook up vs. relationship question

I always thought of myself as a relationship kind of girl. But then, starting from 2 years ago, I became the hook-up kind of girl. The anti-relationship girl who still loved it when others got into a relationship.

Ivies are known for having either an intense hook-up scene, VERY intense long-term relationship group, and those singles who can't seem to find a relationship.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I am curious: do hook-ups in college always entail sex? For those of you who don't believe this to be a problem, good for you. You're fortunate.

But, as for a girl who's already struggling between the boundaries of what can be considered sex (actually, no I'm pretty set on oral sex not counting), I don't think I can go through with hook-up sex in college. Is this going to be a huge problem?

As for getting into a relationship in college, I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that either. My mom, though from an entirely different generation, met my dad when she was a freshman in college. So to me, the prospect of meeting a guy and dating him and the possibility of that being forever...scares the hell out of me.

Up next: Speaking of scares the hell out of me...Graduation.

reflections of the next four years as a public school girl

Having interacted with quite a few people from small private schools during admit days has left me with a mix of positive and negative reactions to having been from a large, public school.

Features of private schools included, generally, were small class sizes (no more than 16!), closer relationships with teachers (they even had advisers who checked up with them quite more often than...well, twice in four years), and a highly close-knit group of people who didn't necessarily like each other but knew everything about everyone.

While I was envious of the fact that the class sizes were so small because of the amount of time they could dedicate to sharing their thoughts, have actual seminars when each person speaks more than twice, and truly be engaged in conversation, I realized there were some slacker-tendency downfalls in this. For one, in my 35-person classes, I could easily not speak for an entire period (especially if I were tired that day) and the teacher would never notice. If I hated the book we were required to read - I could SparkNote it and get away with it.

The closer relationships with teachers and counselors though, of course, was a serious advantage for college applications. I don't know how serious college admissions officers weigh teacher recommendation letters, but having a teacher who truly knows you and could speak a lot about your passion and personality sure can help (given that you are a wonderful, caring, passionate individual, that is).

As for the small group of kids graduating - I've heard from 16 to 95! - I suppose I'm thankful for the number of people I don't know and could potentially meet. Any number under 100 seems to be too tedious and repetitive. I'm so thankful for the amount of diversity that my public school provides me. I've seen kids from all walks of life - kids who can't afford their own meals, drug dealers, overachievers, snobby trust-fund kids (Disclaimer: not to say all kids with trust funds are snobby!), etc. I love the interracial friendships, relationships, partnerships, everything.  I'm not saying it's perfect or that there's no racial bullying, but for the most part, everyone is incredibly mixed with each other.

For the most part, although this may be biased because I'm going to be attending an elite institution, I"m thankful for all my high school has provided me.

Coming up: the hook up vs. relationship question

the sister that i do have

My best friend and I will be heading off to different Ivies in the fall. We had planned to go to the same college - caliber and academic interests all taken in mind...it was not for each other, but that part was supposed to be an added bonus - but, life of course, does not work out how we first plan it to.

I haven' t been good at keeping in touch with old friends. I speak to them every month, but we never hang out any more than twice or three times a year even though we live so close. Being at a fast-paced college environment, I know, will probably not help the situation. Am I going to get too busy? Is she going to get too busy? She feels like a sister though, there's just no way I can lose her. She's my go-to girl, first priority, all that jazz.

Yes, I've heard that "real best friends" wouldn't worry about this kind of stuff. But that simply cannot be true. Everyone worries about big changes coming up and how these changes are going to affect relationships.  Whether you do it in a calm way, external psychotic way, or internal freakout way, it happens.

We'll see.

The last two words reflect pretty much the next three months until I actually get to college.

Goodbye, public school. My parents' decision to send me to a competitive public high school instead of a strict private high school was probably the best and worst decision ever.

Next: reflections of the last four years as a public school girl

the good, the bad, the ugly, & the apathetic result

The good: acceptance into three ivies ranked top 10 of the four I applied to (let's count stanford as an ivy for right now). 75% success rate. No complaints there. 


Even better: getting over the fear, embarrassment, and fright I felt when I was rejected from my number one choice early. That would be the 25% fail rate, as I was speaking of in the last paragraph. 


The bad: having to choose between amazing, amazing institutions. Not knowing what factors I should value over others. Not knowing how I should even judge a school. Not knowing what "comfortable" meant. Not knowing how to fall in love with a school again. Not knowing if my decision will be the one I regret the most in my coming years.Well, honestly, this isn't even bad. I acknowledge that I'm incredibly blessed to even have a choice.


The ugly: hearing people say that me getting in was "all luck". I am not a minority. I am not legacy. I am not uber-wealthy. Leave me alone. I worked hard. I wrote a kick-ass essay with 23 drafts and edits from 11 different people of different ages, jobs, and sexes. Most importantly, I did things that I was passionate about. I joined and created clubs that were important to me. I've logged over a thousand volunteer hours doing activities that I enjoy. I've won national awards. Who are you to say I didn't deserve to get in? 


That last question got me. No one has the right to judge me for my application, which he or she did not even see. No one knows exactly what I've done or how I look on paper. BUT, the same goes for me. I've, thus, tried to be enthusiastic and genuine about every acceptance I've heard about. Besides more likely than not, the kid deserves it. They deserve the happiness of seeing the "Congratulations!" or the "Welcome to the Class of 2015!". Of the thousands and thousands of kids who applied to college, those accepted are the crème of the crop, especially when we are talking about Ivy League schools/Top 20/etc.; admission officers cannot possibly be accepting the wrong kids when they have such a large group to choose from. Agreed, they can be making an error in their rejections - simply because so many kids deserve to get in but cannot because of size limitations. But, the acceptances can't be just luck. 


This entire train of thought led me to be quite apathetic towards the people who scorned me behind my back. I felt pity for them. Pity that they were not satisfied enough with their lives that they had to invectify mine. I refuse to be diffident; I choose to be apathetic towards their trite abuses.


While I've been lately priding myself on being apathetic, I think it has spread to too many areas of my life. I have no care for my end-of-the-year AP/IB exams, but it's been instilled in me to care. Thus, there is an internal struggle: to study or not to study. I am barely talking to people, I simply haven't found interest in it...I want to go to college. I'm spiraling downhill with my best friend, which is causing me the most amount of anxiety. Who will I turn to if she leaves too? 


Next post: the best friend issue. the separation issue. my background. 

dreams, crushed. and then reborn.

On February 27th, 2011, my spirit had broken down. And this was about, of course, the seemingly unceasing topic of college admissions. Earlier in the school year, I had gotten rejected from what I believed to be the college of my dreams. A top-tiered ivy with all the right buildings, classes, enthusiasm, traditions, and people. With its high Early Decision acceptance rate, I had lost all hopes of attending an institution other than my state college. (Not that there's anything wrong with my state school itself; I'd just rather be given the chance to start over.) At that point, I had written about my bleak outlook on college admissions in general, the regrets I had, and my ultimate fear of simply "settling." I'm sure that this is a fear that many students in high school will go through - and even seniors in college who are applying to graduate schools. However, reflecting upon it is so different from the reality of it.

First of all, I look back at my anxiety in late Winter and I feel bad for myself. But, I feel worse for the thousands and millions of kids who will have to go through this process. I feel even more terrible for all the people whose anxiety is perpetuated and intensified by sites like CollegeConfidential. I admit, I had been an addict. However, reflecting on the pros and cons of the site has made me realize that it helped much more when I was choosing a school to attend rather than when I was anxiously putting together my applications and waiting for results. So, to all the kids who are posting their personal information and asking for "Chances" - I did not do so, but did read numerous threads - I suggest you take a step back and just believe in yourself. Strangers' comments won't help the result of your admission decision or relieve your nerves. In fact, sometimes what people say may be completely off base because the truth is, they don't know you. They don't know how well your essays were written or how nicely your application as a whole will resound with the admission officer reading it, and they certainly don't know what your future will look like. The only thing they see is numbers. And you yourself can judge your own GPA, SATs, SAT IIs, Class rank, etc. 

I have to offer a disclaimer though, because I am a little biased. I ended up being accepted to numerous elite colleges, including two of the four top 5 colleges in the nation that I applied to and a various number of other schools. I am, undoubtedly, incredibly blessed. So to me, things worked out. I will be attending an institution in the fall that I have never even dared dreamed about attending - and only applied to because my father suggested it. However, when I do look back on my achievements, my passions, and my personality, I have no doubt that I deserve to go there. I also believe, though, that thousands of kids who were waitlisted or rejected deserve to go as well. Life is about chance though. When you've put in enough work, in the end, it's about luck. I am a very lucky girl who hasn't been so happy in quite a while.

Even if you aren't accepted, at the end, to a school that you particularly want to go to, I don't think anyone should despair. Although I believe that much learning occurs with social interactions with peers, so much also depends on yourself. I have a friend at a state school who isn't elated that she's there - but she said that it helped her to get her work ethic together and exceed even her own expectations on how well she could have done in college. Her change in character has contributed to her life in an important way, a way that may not have occurred should she have gone to another school. There's a road for everyone; as long as you work for it, you'll deserve it.

So one last message: never feel like you don't deserve something, when you know you do.

Coming up: classmate responses and my reaction